At The Rivers Edge

Sitting on the river’s edge I found myself paralyzed with fear.

Later in my career having a lot of fun.

There was a torrent of rushing water, pouring through maybe a fifteen-foot channel that I had to swim across to a slick boulder that I would then have to climb on top of and swim back. My mind swirling with ‘what-ifs.’ What if I get pulled under at the strong eddy line. What if I get swept down-stream to the bigger rapids? What if I get hypothermic?

I was frozen.

This wasn’t for fun, and it wasn’t fun. This was in the early days of a raft instructor training, and my first year on the river learning to guide the raft and instruct teens to do the same. The expectations were high! There were safety backups and the river in general was forgiving with calm pools below, and I could rationalize all I want that this was relatively easy. But in my mind- this was certain death.

I was already feeling low. Shame percolating to the surface. My mind was pushing me around telling me I didn’t fit in with the other instructors, worried what they’d think, if I was good enough, if I was ‘weak.’ Was my fear rationale? Was it that I wasn’t tough? Was I a real Outward Bound instructor? “They certainly don’t act like this.”

I didn’t cross the channel that day. The lead instructor sat by my side, encouraging me but not forcing me in. It would be another day that I’d swim to the rock.

What my mind was doing was normal. It was only trying to protect me, at the same time it was discouraging and feeding my shame – I couldn’t do what mattered at that time.

What can we do when we’re frozen at the river’s edge? What would I say to my younger self?

Here are four steps:

Normalize and Name the Feelings.

These feelings are common to have. You’ve never done this before, and water can be dangerous. You’re normal for experiencing this. Hold myself kindly.

Drop Anchor.

In a dysregulated state that I was in, frozen at the river’s edge, I’d drop anchor (mindfulness). Acknowledge the feelings and sensations I was experiencing. Name them. I was scared. I’d come back into my body, taking a deep breath, wiggle my toes and roll my shoulders, feel the rock underneath me. I’d engage with the world around me. Use all my senses to notice where I was and get present: smell the water in the air, listen to the rush of the water, feel the temperature around me, splash water on my face, maybe take a sip from my water bottle (that’ll also help with the pucker factor). Repeat process as necessary.

Come back to what matters.

What was I doing this in service of? My personal values. Challenge. Learning. Growth. I’d set the intentions beforehand. “I’m making this swim in the service of challenge, learning and growth.”

Take Action.

Take small steps. Get in the water. Swim like hell. Get in the eddy. Climb on the rock.

Looking back, I may have prepared better by simply getting into a pool and challenging myself there. Then challenging myself in open calm water, then whitewater. Progression is key in enhancing confidence.

Action leads to feeling confident. 

Tackling the shame that was percolating up.

We address shame by neutralizing it with self-compassion. There are three elements of self-compassion: mindfulness, self-kindness and common humanity.

Mindfulness.

Get present.  Drop anchor. (Discussed above)

Self-kindness.

Your fears are normal. You’re doing something you’ve never done. You didn’t grow up around water and haven’t been in water in years, of course you’re going to be nervous.

 Common Humanity.

Chances are there were others that were nervous. Chances are others felt concerned about their abilities, and maybe also felt like an imposter.

Summary

All of this isn’t easy. We can talk about it all we want. Emotions are uncomfortable and our brains are trying to protect us; to keep us safe and we’re naturally going to want to avoid that discomfort. Ultimately though, to get to that rock we’re going to have to lean into the discomfort that is fear, the unknown, and the chill that is cold water.

How are you getting to your rock? I help people tackle these challenges in their personal lives and in the field. Reach out to me know to see if we’re a good fit.