Dealing With Adversity and Setting Expectations

Photo Courtesy of Dave Kozlowski/Gunnison Growler. Really not in as much pain as I look just trying to make out the trail in front of me.

This past Sunday I raced the Gunnison Growler Big Bad 40. It’s a 40 mile mountain bike race through the Hartman Rocks area just outside of town in Gunnison, Colorado.

The race website clearly states that this race is ‘not for beginners.’ While I’m not a beginner necessarily, I’m also not ‘advanced’ and don’t spend as much time on intermediate or ‘black diamond’ terrain as I’d like. Which is fine as my goal races are less technically challenging and more endurance focused. I’ve wanted to do this race for a while and decided last fall to give it a go! What can I lose?

Adversity

Some of the easier terrain. This was rewarding when I got to it.

Going into this race I knew that I’d have to walk sections of the more challenging spots, stuff that would be above my head: big drops, narrow, tight passages and insanely steep climbs. I also knew that I have a big problem I’ve been quite about - I have diplopia, also known as double vision. It seems to strike more when I’m fatigued but tends to show up when moving fast on trails, either on the bike or just running. It effects depth perception and slows me down a heck of a lot as I precariously pick my way down a trail. Rocks to my left are now at my center, drops appear out of seemingly no where. The trail is narrow when it is wide… Half the time I find myself looking out of one eye or stop movement to ‘recalibrate.’ This makes for a slow moving day with occasional spills. Add heat, fatigue and altitude you get a little sketch factor.

My optomitrist initially wrote it off as dryness and only recently recognized that my eyes weren’t aligned during an appointment and suggested that I’ve likely had it for years but was able to compensate well.

Unfortunately, as I’ve aged, it’s gotten worse. A glasses prescription is coming but there is no way to correct it with contact lenses and with my prescription as high as it is prescription suglasses for riding and running are going to be hard to find.

Your Disability is Your Opportunity

Kurt Hahn, the founder of Outward Bound was known to have said “Your disability is your opportunity.” This was a guiding principle for him both personally and professionally. He developed this idea after he had suffered severe heatstroke ‘sunstroke’ that left him disabled and in quartine in the dark for months at time. In the darkness and in isolation he was productive in both thought and physically. Using the time to better himself.

I knew this coming into the race, and asked..how could I make it my opportunity?

The trail goes off into some rocks, and more rocks and steep drops, and cliffs. So cool!

While the thought crossed my mind for a few moments to not compete as I knew there was a certain risk (of severe injury or worse) I also knew that I could be composed enough to not ‘race,’ take my time navigating terrain that was above my ability, challenge myself in other areas, grow as a rider and get stronger, preparing for races later in the season.

The opportunity was in the mindset.

Letting Go of Self-Judgement

Our egos can get the way sometimes. Well, not just sometimes. But a lot of the time. We create judgements about what we ‘should’ be able to do, who we should be like, and what ‘success is.’ It gets us into trouble.

The truth is that success is moving forward, progressing every step of the way, seeking mastery and improvement striving for your goals, but not letting your goals dictate who you are as a person.

Let your values dictate that.

I finished this race, for the first time in my life, dead last… and it was such as success. There were others that broke their ribs, dropped out or didn’t start. The option was there, but I had three goals -get a lot of experience on technical terrain in a race environment, keep the rubber side down, and have fun.

More of the buttery, flowy single track for a short bit.

The race was grueling. There’s no getting around it. The climbing seemed endless at times and the drops seemed down right astounding. My vision got progressively worse as the day went on and I slowed to a crawl, I missed some curves in the trail and clipped a lot of rocks with my pedal that I just didn’t see. I got tired, dehydrated, probably bonked a little, I resolved what I could and kept going. And it was amazing.

As I approached the last aid stations I chatted it up with volunteers and thanked them, so much gratitude for them hanging out and helping out.

Dave Weins the executive director of the International Mountain Biking Association, six time Leadville 100 winner - who happened to be at the finish, said to me: ‘you are a far better rider now than you were this morning.’ And I definitely was.

That’s mastery.