On Grief

Out on the local loop.

The pain in my legs and hips was that kind you get at the end of a marathon or hundred-mile race. Aching all over. It felt like I was moving through molasses. Everything stiff. Like I’ve never run before. It was mid-way through a twelve mile run on my local open space trail – rolling, short hills, nothing technical. It had been about a week and a half since my last run, which was only twenty minutes, and about two weeks since my last long run of fourteen miles.

“Come on, this shouldn’t be this hard.” My mind pushing me around, holding high expectations, creating ridiculous rules…

The truth, though, is that I had every reason to feel this way.

A little over a month ago, I rushed to Arizona to be with my mother at her home. She was ill with pancreatic cancer and end-stage renal disease. My sisters informed me she didn’t have long. I knew this day was coming and could read between the lines of the message urging me to leave immediately.

Mom passed away only three days later. Those days in between and shortly after were some of the most difficult, stressful, and sad days I could remember in a long time. I had little sleep during this time and had gotten sick with what seemed like norovirus as soon as I arrived, fatigue, exhaustion, nausea, vomiting, adding to the stress, but… in retrospect may have been a reaction to the stress.

No one said this was going to be easy. Heck, I know that as a therapist. I know that as a coach. Grief sucks there’s no way around it. That weight running is going to be heavy.

Like many people I work with, running has been a sanctuary for me, a way to process, a way to quiet my mind, and for someone who craves movement in their life a way to direct energy. So of course, running twelve miles ‘sounded’ awesome while I was in the depths of these swirling emotions. Yet, while running and exercise can be a sanctuary, it is still a stress - a load on our bodies and minds. When we’re experiencing a high load of stress in the case of trauma or loss, it’s important to be mindful of that load and adjust accordingly as it’s easier to overtrain and increase the risk of injury due to fatigue and muscle tension.

When we start to look at what our body is doing in relation to trauma and grief, we start to get a better understanding of why we need to respect that load and how we may be able to adapt using other coping tools to help sooth our body and mind.

Polyvagal theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, helps explain the variability in grief responses by focusing on how the autonomic nervous system (ANS) reacts to stress, loss, or trauma. The ANS is that part of our nervous system that controls things like heart rate, digestion, breathing – those things we need automatically. It also helps us with survival when we’re in danger. It gets us ready to run away from bad things or immobilize ourselves when we can’t get away. For instance, when my mother passed, I noticed my body alternating between states of agitation and complete shutdown. This mirrored the sympathetic and dorsal vagal states described in the theory, highlighting how the body instinctively responds to overwhelming emotional events.

Polyvagal theory identifies three states.

Sympathetic Activation (Fight or Flight)

Here, grief may manifest as agitation, anxiety, or hypervigilance. The body prepares for action due to the threat, which can result in emotional overwhelm, restlessness, or anger. This response reflects a survival instinct where individuals feel the need to do something to escape or manage the distress of grief.

Dorsal Vagal State (Shutdown and Immobilization)

In situations of profound loss, you may enter a shutdown state, feeling numb, disconnected, or immobilized. This is often associated with dissociation, extreme fatigue, or depressive symptoms. Grief in this state reflects the body's attempt to conserve energy and self-protect when overwhelmed by the magnitude of loss. This was likely where my body was as soon as I arrived in Arizona – fatigued, exhausted, and nauseated.

Ventral Vagal State (Safety and Connection)

In this state, people are better able to connect with others, regulate emotions, and process their grief constructively. They may experience grief as an adaptive process, seek social support, and find ways to honor their loss. This is often seen as a "resilient" grief response.

A key point to remember is that sympathetic activation, dorsal vagal state, or even avoidance aren’t bad things. These are just how we are responding at that moment in time. It’s a natural, normal, evolutionary process. Unfortunately, and fortunately, the energy that we’d use to run, and exercise is now being allocated to self-preservation (Which isn’t a bad thing!)

That all being said - we can do things that will make us a ventral vagal state and feel more resilient.

Here are some things that have helped me over the last couple of weeks that may help you:

Self-Awareness and Naming Emotions

Journal. Name the emotions that are coming up for you. Naming the emotions can help to defuse them, giving them less power over you. Write them down without judgement. This is your space. Your place, get it out on paper.

Connect

Connect with your community. The power of being surrounded by my family and friends the last several weeks was unimaginable. The hug I received from my dearest and oldest friend, and the tears we shed together, were so powerful. There’s magic and healing in connection. My sisters, father, and I have started a weekly Zoom call just to talk about anything, and it’s so good. My mother would have loved this.

The weeks prior to her passing, I had visited my mother in Arizona and balanced some time at the Javelina Jundred (100 Mile Race) with my coaching family at CTS. Whether they realized it at the time or not, being with my ultra-running and coaching family was healing for me. Connection is key.

Gratitude

Bring gratitude into your daily life. I use a gratitude journal, just noting several things that I'm grateful for every day. Reflecting on these moments has helped me find light during dark times. I’m so thankful for the life my mother gave me. She taught me empathy. She taught me grit. She taught me to keep digging when things were hard and to search for answers. To keep striving. I’m grateful for the family she gave me, which has been closer and more connected than ever. Where can you find gratitude in your life?

Self-Compassion

Bring kindness to yourself as you would to a friend. Give yourself the grace to rest and recover. You may have to back off big training days or races for a bit. Take it easy getting back to training, though I’d also argue that getting out has been so helpful. Getting lost in the woods for a bit can deliver some healing… there’s that sanctuary. Know that the weight may show up and respond to it kindly, as if it was a friend just quietly reminding you of what just happened. Be mindful of it and non-judgmental, and know others are there with you. Criticizing yourself will do no good.

Self-Regulation and Mindfulness

Through gentle movement, breathing exercises and mindfulness you can promote ventral vagal activation and help facilitate the building of resilience. Activities like yoga, easy walks, light runs or rides can be extremely helpful. For mindfulness I’ve been using an app called Headspace, which has several stand-alone exercises and courses including a 30-day mindfulness course on grief.

Respect the Load

Finally, ask yourself, what kind of load is my body willing to tolerate right now, today. The key word here is “today.” That load can shift every day, and expect it to, that’s normal. Being more aware of how that stress is behaving daily can be instrumental in training, and why working with a coach that is dialed into what is happening in your personal life can help immensely. You don’t have to give up your goals – you just may have to be flexible with them, adapt and adjust. Being flexible will give you the freedom to grow and to stay clear of injury and overtraining while taking care of your body and mind.

Back on the path.

Keep in mind healing from a loss takes time. In fact, there is no timeline. Each person’s grieving process is unique, and what works for one individual may not resonate with another. I’m still ‘in it’ to varying degrees and expect there to be highs and lows. By acknowledging these differences, we can foster greater understanding and compassion both for ourselves and for those around us. Everyone goes through it slightly differently, and my experience is different than yours or my family members. There are no magic words (or wands) that can make the pain of loss disappear.

I’m back to running comfortably now. In fact, I’m slowly getting back to a feeling running I haven’t felt since before 2020. But the path isn’t easy. No one expects it to be. Losses are hard. Be kind to yourself. Seek help. Even if you don’t think you need the help, still reach out. It’s good to connect and check in with someone. Know that being human means showing up and being with all the emotions. Hold yourself kindly. Give yourself that grace.

Feel free to pass this a long to someone who needs it now and see you out on the trails.